Why do I write about my divorce?

It’s a question I hear a lot. I sometimes wonder if it’s actual curiosity, judgment or maybe both.  People tell me, this is divorce, it’s painful and sad and no one wants to read about it. Okay, then don’t.  As The X and I physically separated, I began to journal through the process.  The X is a very private person, whereas I tend to be very transparent with everything. I often have a problem with the occasional overshare and general discernment when discussing what other’s consider to be private matters. In general, I talk too much. I have always had a gift with words and I have always written to help myself process. I prefer to talk it out, discuss, and find a resolution. The divorce process has changed my entire life and my entire being forever. So writing about my divorce seems natural to me.

I write for a healthy outlet.

In the beginning, I wrote for my sanity. I was so overwhelmed by emotion and thoughts regarding our situation that I thought I would burst if I didn’t get it out somehow. I knew that rather than bottle everything up, I needed to get it out of my head.  So instead, I put my deepest, darkest thoughts/feelings on paper. There are a number of reasons that journaling helps with mental health. It helps to manage anxiety, stress, and cope with depression.

I write because I don’t know what happened.

I write to process forgiveness and deal with anger.

I didn’t want to suffer in silence. I wanted to shout the pain and injustice I felt from the fucking rooftops.  I wanted to put this shit on blast.  In doing so I realized I would have to put my shit out there too. I never claimed to be perfect in my marriage but I felt entirely responsible for the demise. As I processed through what had actually happened, I was able to own and process my mistakes. I want to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them in my next relationship. I grieved over the things I didn’t do, words left unsaid, apologies that never were given. I wrote The X an obsessive amount of apology texts and emails, along with a shit ton more of way crazier, angry ones then I care to admit. Eventually, I stopped sending them (or tried) and just saved them for myself. This process alone helped to just get it out of my head so I would stop destroying myself with coulda, shoulda, woulda.

I write because I felt alone and isolated.

I am incredibly blessed with amazing friends and family.  I am very rarely actually alone. But when the divorce process began and we physically separated, I felt devastatingly alone. I had lost my life, my partner, my best friend. I know that people try to understand, but unless you have gone (or are currently going) through the process and the motions, you can’t fully understand what is happening and how it really feels. I felt like couldn’t rehash my story to friends or family who were all listened out and decidedly biased. As I started to share my story, men and women began to resonate with my words and connect with me about their own experiences. I began to not feel so alone but rather understood and validated. I was normal, other people felt this way and had experienced similar thoughts and emotions. While we had never met in person, we began to connect in a way other’s just couldn’t understand and I know that I am doing the right thing to continue to share.

I write because divorce sucks and I won’t pretend it doesn’t.

Divorce sucks. There I said it. Regardless of who did what to whom, dismantling a life you are building with someone is so incredibly hard. People want you to pretend you are okay and to move on when sometimes it’s just not that easy. There is no time limit on grief and each person process is so different and personal. I did not want to paint a picture of champagne, roses, and unicorns. That is not reality. Reality is that divorce is a shit storm filled with hurt feelings, spewed venom, lawyers, paperwork, anger, grief, tears, and all sorts of other shit you never dreamed possible. Reducing your life to money, possessions, split time with your children, loss of family and friends, all of it just fucking sucks. Even in the most amicable of splits, divorce is still life-altering and devastating. Everything you know changes. Everything is different and for a while, literally, everything just sucks.

I write because it’s cathartic.

My therapist and I spoke frequently about my process of journaling as a form of catharsis. When I write and others respond, it is encouraging. It breaks down walls of grief and gives me the strength to keep going. I believe you are only as sick as your secrets so to be transparent and put it all out there helped me to move on. I began to work toward understanding. I learned to forgive myself along with learning to forgive him. As others responded with their stories and situations, I realized it wasn’t just cathartic for me. Helping others going through similar situations helps to fill my soul. It brings me happiness and a sense of purpose.

I write to inspire hope.

The process of writing about my divorce began in my private journals. Then one day I decided to share. So I shared with the world in the hope that I would inspire others as they make their way through their own divorce process. My focus from the beginning has been to shed light on the grief process surrounding divorce, to inspire hope for the future in a time of paralyzing unknown, and to humor you with stories of crazy heartbreak and act of desperation.

I write because I can.

I write for me.

As I start the story of why our marriage failed, I wanted to share with you why I would ever choose to write about something so scary and horrible, like divorce. So this is why I write about my divorce.

So it goes…

#divorcesucks

XOXO – J