What is the right answer to this question?  This is a thought that everyone has in any relationship going through a rough patch for any amount of time. I still struggle with it myself and my divorce was finalized over a year ago.  Did I try hard enough?  Did I fight hard enough for long enough?  There is always an element of regret following the end of a relationship.  I would like to point out that there is a huge difference in giving up and deciding that you’ve had enough. But how do you know when enough is enough?

Looking back we also have the tendency to idealize the past and our past partners, putting them on a pedestal and holding the relationship in high esteem even if that’s not reality.  Issues like abuse, addiction, infidelity, lying, incessant fighting are all huge issues in a relationship.  If not dealt with appropriately in a healthy manner they can manifest into the building blocks for divorce.

So at some point, if change is not happening it’s time to consider when you have to end the relationship in order to keep yourself safe and happy.  So what are the reasons that we stay in unhealthy relationships longer than we should?   When do you decide that your relationship is no longer sustainable and you have to leave?  For everyone, it’s a little different, but let’s explore it a little further so next time you find yourself in this situation you can make a further educated decision and maybe save your relationship from failure or make a courageous choice to say this isn’t healthy or working its time to go.

Your threshold before marriage needs to be smaller.  You don’t have to settle.

Before you are married is the time to be selective!!  It is much easier to make a change before marriage.  Don’t make excuses for them and don’t allow behavior early in a relationship that you wouldn’t tolerate in a marriage.  We teach people how to treat us.  Self-esteem determines the type of partner we attract.  If we allow poor behavior at the beginning of a relationship it is likely to continue.   A question I ask myself in this situation now is, can I handle/tolerate this behavior for the next 30 years?  If the answer is no.  Enough is enough.

Where are the patterns?  What do their actions show us?  Are they capable of real change?

Consider the factors.

General, repeated disrespect.

It started small with The X and I brushed it off.  He would say, you know who I am, you married me, so what are you going to do about it? He would subtly put me down or treat me like I was stupid.  It was like he felt he was better than me; that he was perfect, that he knows how to do everything better than me. He criticized everything I did like nothing was ever good enough. It was incessant. I started to feel like genuinely didn’t care if I was tired, sick, occupied. He just added to my stress rather than helping me or picking up the slack. Whenever I tried to address it I was “being too sensitive”.

It’s an unhappy life and an unhealthy relationship when your partner criticizes everything, like the way you dress, where you work, what you think, and no matter how hard to try, nothing you do seems to satisfy them.  If your concerns are not being heard and changes are not being made.  You have to love yourself enough to say, “I won’t be treated this way.” You are good enough exactly how you are.  No one deserves to feel like they are constantly under attack by their closest relationship.

There is a difference between giving up and knowing you’ve had enough.

#enoughisenough

XOXO, J

How did you decide when you had had enough?