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    Dating, Divorce, Grief, Love, Relationships, Starting Over

    New Rules: Why you should never hook back up with your ex

    New Rules Main

    I’ve got new rules, I count them.

    Healing from a breakup of any kind is treacherous.  Even when we make up our minds, our hearts don’t always fall in line so easily.  There is an unspoken set of rules that follow any breakup, what you should do, what you shouldn’t   But it’s not so black and white.  The X and I stayed connected for a long time.  He remained on my phone plan the last year and to this day still has belongings at my home.  Following my separation, I entered another relationship quickly, wanting to do anything but be alone and stay in pain.  We dated for a few months but I found out later the first man I trusted with my heart after my marriage ended cheated on me.  I was devastated.  So here is another tip, never date the rebound.

    I promise to learn from my mistakes

    If I had found out sooner or I had believed the first girl to tell me months earlier he was cheating, or I had tried harder earlier to reconcile maybe I wouldn’t have lost my marriage.  But shoulda, coulda, woulda.  It’s all over now.  While The X and I talked and saw each other following the separation, it was all fighting, drama, and shit.  After I finally left the shitty “relationship”  I was using to distract myself from the grief with a cheating POS, I reconnected with The X.  We started talking again, seeing each other, hanging out, sleeping together.  I was hurting and wanted to be with the only man I trusted anymore.  Here’s the thing though, there was already too much damage done to our relationship.  Reconnecting with him ended up repeatedly hurting me over and over the next few months.  I should have left it alone.  After the second time, he hurt me, I started following a new set of rules.

    Call me crazy.

    Men love to call women crazy.  Sometimes our broken hearts make our desperate behavior appear just that, crazy.  But behind every crazy woman, there is usually a man who made her that way.  Divorce is hard.  I wanted more for my marriage and I never expected it would end this way.  A year later, I thought I would be somewhere else.   Sometimes the divorce still bothers me.  I will myself to think about something else.  Anything else.  Literally anything.  Pick a subject, any subject, that doesn’t send you on a spiral toward the crazy place.  It may be a little late for that though.  A couple glasses of wine and I find myself doing my super secret behavior of obsessively checking my exes social media. Recently, The X and his new gf have unblocked their social media and friends, that’s way fucking worse then it being blocked.

    Why??  You may ask why I keep checking it and I wish I fucking knew.  But I legit don’t know why I keep checking it.  I don’t need or want to see it.  It still feels like a knife to the heart when I see their new happy life together.  I feel a sense of panic and a severe loss of control/emotional stability upon seeing it.  It was better when it was blocked and now I have to see it.  His comments to her.  It breaks my heart.  He was with me not even two months ago saying he wanted to move home.  He said all the right things, cheated on his girlfriend, and stayed the night with me.  I let him.  I became the other women even though I fucking HATE cheating and cheaters.  After everything I’ve been through I was responsible for hurting another female through cheating.  I struggle still with whether or not to tell her.  I haven’t because he still leaves me in fear of what his retaliatory reaction would be.  So instead I let her be happy I guess.  Maybe they are just right for each other and we aren’t.

    Two months ago he was in my arms, so their social media love makes me want to puke.  He stayed the night with me.  We had sex, multiple times.  Then he came back to my house two days later.  Said he had zero feelings for me, blame it on the alcohol, he didn’t want to be with me again.  He just needed some closure.  I’m so fucking glad he could use my heart and my body to get his closure.  All the while he ripped my heart out for the hundredth fucking time.  I screamed at him that I knew he would do this.  I threw a beer bottle at his head, told him to get the fuck out of my house and out of my life.  He said he hoped we could have a rational conversation.  A rational conversation about what?  That you fucked me and decided to go back to your new girlfriend?  Talk calmly about how you used me for sex?  Thanks but no thanks ass hole.

    This recent rendezvous sent me to a crazy place again.  I felt like I was finally moving on from him.  Moving into acceptance.  But instead, I resorted back to a place of severe depression.  I felt the rejection all over again.  I spiraled for a few more months.  And I blame him.  Why come back?  Why break my heart again?  The things he said to me, talking shit on this girl, how much he missed his house, how I was the best he ever had.  All lies?  I doubt it.  But he’s fucked up and not my problem anymore.  His issues will come out with her eventually and I am the lucky one who doesn’t have to deal with it anymore.

    Music = Life.Music = life

    Music has been my lifeline the past year.  I love to listen to the words that say exactly what my heart can’t sometimes.  The beat heals my broken heart.  I heard a song on the radio and it became my mantra after The X decided to come back one more time because he hadn’t sufficiently hurt me the last time he did this.  Earlier in May the same fucking situation, comes back to sleep with me a couple times, then tells me he has a new gf and they are fucking so he won’t be seeing me again.  Awesome thanks.  If the men that I used to love could stop telling me about the women they are fucking, that would be ideal. I don’t send them a group text when I start having sex with someone new, although I should start and see how well they like it.  This coming back every few months when I’m moving on is a pattern and the next time I need to be strong enough to say no.  All he’s doing is delaying my grief further.  So one year later, I still can’t seem to move on.  It’s not over for me because he won’t allow it.
    I keep pushin’ forwards
    But he keeps pullin’ me backwards
    Now I’m standing back from it
    I finally see the pattern

    So friends, here are my new rules.

     New Rules Instagram

    1.   One, don’t pick up the phone.  You know he’s only calling ’cause he’s drunk and alone.

     The X text me a few days before we actually met up.  I was out of town and caught off guard since he had been dodging my calls, texts, emails for months.  We talked on the phone.  He told me it wasn’t as easy as I thought.  Nothing felt right with this girl.  No one could love him like me.  He asked to see me and I agreed to meet him when I got back in town.  My girlfriend had asked me why I still would talk to him.  I told her I didn’t know.  But the truth was, I wanted to reconcile.  I wanted another chance and I wanted to give him one.  I thought if we could just get a do-over, we could do it right this time.  But that’s not reality.  Neither of us has changed that much.  Ultimately, even if we had a chance to do things over, we would likely still end up in the same place.  Divorced.  So don’t answer the phone, [click_to_tweet tweet=”His confusion is not your problem.” quote=”His confusion is not your problem.”]  Let me repeat that his confusion is not your problem.  Once you start talking again, it’s so much easier to forget the progress you’ve made and fall back into a shitty situation with your ex. Don’t do it.  I promise. It never ends well.

     2.  Two, don’t let him in.  You’ll have to kick him out again.

    I let him in.  We met for beers.  It was awkward at first, I felt uncomfortable sitting across from him after all this time.  But that feeling melted away as we talked and drank.  I suggested we watch the Seahawks game somewhere.  Then he started it.  He made some comment about taking me home to fuck the shit out of me because he knew that’s what I wanted.  We embraced and kissed in the parking lot.  He followed me home to the house we shared together.  We turned on the game, drank more beers, and he asked me to dress up in a leopard print piece of lingerie that he loves.  We cuddled on the couch, made love like we used to.  We ordered take out and ate dinner together.  He fell asleep in my arms, while I stroked his hair.  He stayed the night, slept next to me, and we woke up together.  I felt more peace then I had in ages just being with him again.  Until two days later, when he came back to have that “rational” conversation, I had to kick him out again.  As I watched him leave, I sank to the kitchen floor and cried for hours.  Nothing prepared me for how bad it would feel to lose him for the 3rd time in one year.

     3.  Three, don’t be his friend.  You know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the morning.

    [clickToTweet tweet=”If you’re under him.  You ain’t getting over him.” quote=”If you’re under him.  You ain’t getting over him.”]

     It’s easy to slip back into how your relationship was, especially if that’s what you secretly want.  He knew what he was doing.  I believe he just wanted the chance to reject me this time.  Maybe he is really confused.  Maybe not.  Either way, he didn’t have to come over.  He also didn’t have to have sex with me, multiple times, or stay the night.  He seemed surprised that I was upset after he told me he had zero feelings for me.  Ummm…. how was I supposed to react?  What was I supposed to say?  You’re right, thanks for using me for sex and going back to your girlfriend, whose birthday is tomorrow.  I threatened to tell her.  I believe people deserve truth in life.  Especially after what I went with with the cheater.  It’s too hard to say no to someone you love. My therapist said he wanted me to give him a reaction that he was comfortable with, but that wasn’t reality.  He hurt me…Again!!  I had every right to react the way that I did.  Minus the beer bottle.  So don’t try and be his friend.  Friendship with your ex always ends in sex and someone always gets hurt.

    These rules come from a song called New Rules, by Dua Lipa.  I love this song.  It’s so truthful to my life.  Learn these rules.  Repeat them to yourself.  Don’t make the same mistakes again.  You broke up for a reason.  Remind yourself of the reasons.  Don’t answer the phone, don’t return the texts, don’t let him in. You can’t have sex with someone you love and feel nothing.  Well maybe men can, but for women, it’s not that easy.  It’s a slippery slope to feelings and heartbreak again.  Don’t break your own heart.  You can’t continue to dance with the devil and wonder why you are still in hell..  Reconnecting with an ex reopens old wounds that are too hard to heal.  Men, don’t do this to women.  Work out your closure without calling them to fuck one more time.  It’s hell watching someone you love walk out the door again.  I won’t fall for it again.

     Game Over

    I’ve got new rules, I count them.

    #newrules

    XOXO – J

    What rules do you follow during a breakup?

     

     

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