Why can’t I stay friends with my ex on social media?

Social media has added a layer of complexity to the end of a relationship that would be easier without it. We now have to literally end the relationship with the click of a button.  Plus all the drama of then unfriending your former partner, their friends, and family.  Then you have to deal with potentially blocking them, deleting all your pictures together, and eventually re-emerging with someone new.  Now we don’t just break up, we change our status, delete, and block.

One. Maintaining contact prolongs further connection.

Fifty-nine percent of people remain Facebook “friends” with an ex after they’ve broken up.  I know you are thinking, I can handle it J, you are just an obsessive nutbag. Fair enough. But hear me out. Following the initial physical separation, The X and I remained “friends” on social media. I didn’t erase any of our photos, even though he did. I guess I only ever wanted to still be able to know him after all this shit. Maybe stay friends, or at least social media friends. But that’s not reality. Reality is that downgrading a marriage to Facebook friendship is a fucking slap in the face. You aren’t friends. You are ex-spouses, ex-lovers, ex-family. Continuing a faux friendship on Facebook isn’t going to change the fact that you broke up.

Two. Walking down memory lane makes clean breakups difficult.

Nostalgia is a killer after breakups. Everything reminds you of them, the beers you drank, the places you visited together. Now imagine them popping up in your feed. Keeping tabs on someone you once shared a life with and don’t anymore is going to make it even harder to move on. Nothing will change the past. You can hold onto your memories but you don’t need to hold on to your social media connection. For me, I even defriended and stopped following his friends and family.  All of it was another reminder of my failed marriage and the loss of my husband. I still think about him. I don’t need social media reminders. The new Facebook “Take a Break” option pops up when you make the breakup Facebook official. After you change a relationship status, you’ll be given the option to limit what you see about your ex and what they can see about you. Do it.

Three. It can become an unhealthy obsession with looking at your ex, his/her friends, their new life, and a new partner.

I promise. I know. I was obsessed with it. Learn from my mistakes.  I checked multiple times a day, for weeks, maybe months. Until he blocked me. Before he met this girl, while we were still connected, I liked knowing he was still keeping tabs on me. Some small flicker of hope that maybe he still cared. So after he blocked me, I was so sad. I still continued my unhealthy obsession and super secret behavior of obsessively checking his social media… and hers. Eventually he caught on and blocked even the secret profiles I use specifically for stalking. Don’t judge me, everyone has done that…., right? 48 percent (including 42 percent of married folks) say they look at their ex’s Facebook page or other social networking profile too often. Likewise, almost three-quarters of people (74 percent) have looked up an ex on the internet. So it is happening.  People check up on their exes.  But you do not have to participate.

via GIPHY

Last. It hurts to see your ex with someone new.  Regardless of if it’s amicable.

Here’s another problem with prolonged social media friendship. It’s going to happen, your ex is going to move on and start seeing someone new. While not seeing it on your feed doesn’t stop it from existing in the world, it does stop it from existing in your world. The X unfriended me finally when he entered a new relationship, then started posting pics with her mid-May. He said he unfriended me because he didn’t want to hurt me when he started posting with her. With 52 mutual friends still in common, it didn’t work that way.  I do think that you should have a little more tact before posting with a new partner and erasing your entire life with someone. But again everyone is different. And some people are insensitive douchers.

No one. I repeat, NO ONE wants to see their ex moving on happily with someone new.  When The X and his new gf unblocked their social media, it broke my heart to see them together.  Reading his comments to her, made me incredibly angry.  It sucks.  It is unsettling and embarrassing to me that he would post with her a month or so after our divorce was final. But that’s what people do. Some people. Some douchey people. Not to mention he was posting happy couple pics with her a week or so after rolling around in bed with me. Neat. But whatever, it is best to just not see it.  I promise you it hurts way less than seeing it.

Here’s the big take away.

It is best to unfriend.

The most important thing to do once a relationship is over is to cut all ties and move on in order to allow yourself the chance to find happiness elsewhere. That means deleting his number, and yes, even blocking him on social media.

It hurt me a lot that The X deleted all our photos and blocked me. But when he finally did block me, it was freeing. He had drawn the line in the sand, posting pictures with a new woman for all our friends and family to see, less than 2 months after our divorce was final. This act gave me the freedom to do the same. Right after, I finally archived our photos together. Even though I couldn’t bring myself to delete them yet.

#blocked

XOXO – J

Which side were you on? The blocked side or the blocker side?