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    A girl, her dog, and two Jeeps.

    Girl, Dog, Jeep

    Where have you been???

    I have been absent for a little over a month. After a broken foot sidelined me in a cast for 7 very long weeks, I got the cast off a boot on and a little autonomy back.  I went back to work and I was getting around without a wheelchair, walker it crutches. I wore heels for the for the first time in months at a wedding.  Then the next day as I nursed a knarly hangover, I rushed to work and got in a serious car accident.

    Backstory.

    I’ve talked a lot about the Jeep.  I loved that car.  A short backstory on the Jeep, The X had gotten a new job during our last year of marriage at a car dealership.  Though I had seen the writing on the wall, he pressured me into a new vehicle.  There are few material things I care a lot about but my car is one of them.  I also was unsure about committing to a new vehicle with him as I was not certain about our future together.  So more joint property was not ideal.  Nevertheless, he talked me into purchasing the Jeep together.  So we did.  I remember the first few days driving it, I was unhappy.  It wasn’t what I was used to and I had felt pressured to commit when I hadn’t wanted too.  He moved out later that month but I continued to drive the Jeep.  And we fell in love.  The Jeep and I 🙂
    Totaled Jeep

    My vehicle after the accident

    Flash Forward. Crash Imminent.

    Two years later, that Jeep was one of my favorite things in life.  I loved it.  Everything about it made me happy.  The accident occurred very quickly and I still am unable to piece together most of what happened.  My memory starts with leaving the house, lapses, and begins again inside an ambulance.  There are few details I actually remember.  It happened so fast I only remember a couple seconds of thinking crash imminent.  But there is one thing I do remember.  After the impact, in a haze of smoke, pain, and broken glass, my first thought was no, no, no.  Not my Jeep.

    Impact.

    Before my general well being, I saw the broken glass from the windshield and I grew devastated that something I loved so much was wrecked.  My next thoughts were of him.  I cried and cried.  In fact, I didn’t stop crying for 3 days.  I cried for many reasons.  First, I’ve never been in so much pain.  Taking an airbag to the chest is no joke.  I’ve never been in an accident like this.  The EMT said I would feel like I’d been hit by a bat and I’m not sure that even does the feeling justice.  As I sat at home in the aftermath, I cried for the loss of the Jeep.  But probably not for the material reasons you think.  I cried because that Jeep was the last of the things we owned together and that loss felt more then I could bear.  Of all the change and the heartache over the last two years, the loss of the last of our last material items together broke my heart more than any of the physical damage done to my body.  The grief that ensued was unbearable.

    What now???

    Safety First - Dog wearing seatbelt

    Mya wears a seatbelt now.

    The next month as my body healed, the reality of the physical loss was undeniable.  I am blessed to have a boss who bent over backward to help, allowing me to use company vehicles.  My family helped, picking me up, dropping me off.  Friends and community stepped up to assist.  I felt love everywhere but nothing filled the hole left from a loss seemingly so simple.  It’s a car.  Not my life.  But as I dealt with insurance, I had to talk about The X.  I had to pull divorce paperwork for proof of ownership.  I had to explain that I had no way to contact him as he had blocked me everywhere and that I doubted that he would meet me anywhere to sign the title regardless of the situation.  My heart broke over and over and over as I handled the aftermath for weeks of an accident that lasted less than 30 seconds.

    I was disoriented after the accident due to a concussion.  I felt out of it.  Afraid to drive or ride in motor vehicles.  I felt unsafe.  Confused.  Unable to focus.  All on top of the physical pain.  But my body began to heal and I started to realize that now the Jeep was gone.  It had been totaled and it was never coming back.  Like him, I had to let this go and move on.  But if you’ve followed my story you know that moving on isn’t my best strength.  So I searched and searched for the same vehicle.  I wanted desperately to replace it.  I wanted an identical vehicle.  Nothing else.

    I drove my family crazy.  Not only was I incredibly sentimental and decidedly weird for weeks, but I was unwilling to accept that I could drive anything but something identical.  I had been spoiled by a beautiful vehicle.  But really, I was feeling the loss of yet another aspect of my former life that I just couldn’t let go of.  I wanted it back.  Just like I want everything else back.  So as we scoured vehicles and lots.  I verbalized my discomfort and resistance.  As we shopped vehicles, I was THE WORST. Nope, hate it, ain’t happening, next, definitely not.  Thanks but no.  I’m sure my mom and the salespeople wanted to kill me.

    Why so sad???

     

    I want to stress again that I’m not a materialistic person.  I don’t wear brand names.  I’m not a designer person.  I’m generic all the way.  But what I was feeling was outside of everything even remotely snobby.  It was simply that I was unable to embrace yet another change in my ever-changing life.  Plus all the bad luck I’d been experiencing this year had caught up with me and I was now also battling some depression over life’s circumstances.  More bills after I’d just caught up, a TON of physical pain, loss of autonomy.  It was all too much to handle.

    Girl driving jeepAs we closed in on a month after my accident, I had looked at 1000+ vehicles. After driving a 16’ box truck for 30 days I had finally started to accept that I may in fact, actually probably pretty likely, that I would not, in fact, be able to get what I wanted.  I started to look at other brands.  Gasp! I was considering no sunroof.  I was willing to look at smaller vehicles.  I had, in fact, let it go. I set a deadline for this Labor Day weekend to get into a new vehicle so I could do life again normal.  Nothing this summer had been normal and I was ready to get it back.

    It’s time to let go.

    As I looked last week, I had finally broadened my search and I was ready to move on.  Then I found something.  A Jeep.  A Jeep Grand Cherokee.  It was nearly identical to the one I had lost AND in my price range.  I called about it and made an appointment for the next day.  I woke up and made arrangements to go see it.  I have looked at a ton of cars and walked dealerships and searched online but had so much disappointment that I was afraid to even get my hopes up.  But it was still available and I was headed to see it.

    As we drove up to the vehicle I smiled and grew excited.  She looked like everything I’d lost.  I climbed inside and went for a drive.  I was home.  This new Jeep was everything I wanted and blessed by new circumstance I was able to offer cash.  I paid and signed the title in only my name.  I felt scared to drive her, still facing some PTSD regarding the accident, plus she was SO pretty. I cried the whole way but I took her home. I was so overwhelmed by my experience over the last month, the loss, the gain.

    Jessica and her Jeep

    The family and friends who have supported me tirelessly over the last two years.  The ones who may think I’m too much but love me anyway.  The circumstances that allowed me to pay cash.  I cried so many happy tears for once that something was finally going right.  Side note – I had previously been afraid about the loss as The X had the good credit, not me.  I knew that I would not get the same interest rate, the same payment.  I wouldn’t be able to afford the same price we paid as a couple.

    Everything changes.

    I had been so afraid of all the changes.  I didn’t think I could handle one more thing changing.  The last month I have sat in a  place of despair, depression, regret, and sadness.  I took a break from most everything while I tended to the needs of a worn-out soul.  [click_to_tweet tweet=”The soul knows how to heal itself, it’s the mind that we can’t silence.” quote=”The soul knows how to heal itself, it’s the mind that we can’t silence.”]

    Girl loves JeepsThe beauty of the wreckage.

    Here is the beauty of the story. From the devastation of why does everything bad happen to me, to last night as I drove my new beauty for only the second time.  I realized that change doesn’t always have to be bad.  When we accept it and allow it, good things can happen.

    I woke up this morning giddy about something so trivial.  I checked on her to see if she was still in the driveway.  She was.  I realized that in the ruins of my damaged life, my broken bones, and my torn up heart, something beautiful happened.  I know it’s silly.  But tonight as I put my life back together in a relatively identical vehicle that is all mine, I let the past go and moved into the future.  And let me tell you, it was all worth it.

     

    XOXO, J

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